“Anger is an acid that can do more harm to the vessel in which it is stored than to anything on which it is poured.” “Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself.” “Holding a grudge doesn’t make you strong, it makes you bitter.”
Yeah, fuck that noise.
People, especially women and people of color, have been fed this line of bullshit for a long time. Be nice. Turn the other cheek. Forgive. Let it go. And who benefits from that? ASSHOLES, THAT’S WHO. Abusers. Toxic family members. Bullies. We forgive, and forgive, and forgive. And what does that get us? Freshly painted targets on our back, every time.
I’m not saying that all anger is healthy. Anger can be toxic when it’s the only emotion you allow yourself to feel or display (men, I’m talking to you). If you find yourself angry all the time, especially when you don’t know why, that’s a problem. A problem a good therapist can help you with. Same thing if you find yourself inappropriately directing your anger toward random strangers—or people you love. Balance is important. Spend time with people who make you happy. Do things that bring you joy. Have a good cry once in a while.
Nor am I saying we should never forgive. To err is human. People, all people, make mistakes. Making allowances for each other and understanding normal differences are important tools in the functional society toolbox. By all means, forgive. Forgive those who make real amends. Forgive those who are trying to grow. Forgive those who make your life better. Forgive those who are only broken in the way that we are all broken.
But don’t forgive the assholes. The people who try to make you live by the rules they believe their God has handed down. The boyfriend who leaves finger marks on your upper arms and buys you flowers the next day. The unrepentant takers. The fuckers who never seem to realize what they’re doing (pro tip: they know what they’re doing). Those who repeatedly harm you or others. They think they are right, or they say they do. That does not matter. Their opinions of themselves, and you, are irrelevant. You know the truth, even if it took you a while to figure it out, and that is all that matters. As time goes on, you’ll find yourself thinking of things in the past less frequently, and that’s natural too. By all means, let go when it feels natural to do so. But also don’t feel any kind of pressure to actually forgive fuckers who have done you or someone else wrong and would do it again if they had the chance.
I have been allowing myself to remain angry at the people who deserve it—in my case, nearly all of that anger is directed at corrupt public officials and the shitheads who support them—for the last few years, and guess what? I’m not poisoned. I’m not bitter. In fact, last year I met my life partner, and in many ways I’m happier than I’ve ever been. I can feel that way while at the same time harboring a simmering rage toward bad people who want to harm others. It doesn’t spill over. I’m not mean to strangers, or my cats, or my fiance. It’s a weapon I use to target the people who deserve it. Hell, I don’t even have any passive aggressive tendencies, as far as I can tell, since I started just letting myself be angry. On the whole, I’m a much healthier, happier person than I used to be. Anger, in its place, is healthy and good and righteous.
Stay angry at those bastards. Because ANGRY GETS SHIT DONE.
2018.
2020.
2022.
And beyond.
