Oh my lort. Remember earlier this week when I wrote about all the stuff that our shitstain of a president has done to try to get removed from office and (please oh please oh please) in a metric ton of legal trouble? Yeah, when you’re reading the below list, remember that the previous post covered events that happened over a span of more than six months, whereas the below events occurred between May 8 and May 19, a span of 12 days.
Not all of these happenings are things that Trump did directly, but they’re all related to the whole Russia/Comey debacle. They’re also really only high points. I didn’t include anything that wasn’t sourced through mainstream media—I will be in the coming days, but not before I explain why and what those sources are—and I honestly didn’t dig that deeply. Again, I really wanted this to be readable in one chunk. So here goes: 29 things that happened that relate to the #TrumpRussia investigation, all in the past 12 days. So read all this and then tell me, do you really think this administration is going to last?
Monday, May 8
Vanity Fair reported that Eric Trump told golf writer James Dodson that the Trumps “have all the funding we need out of Russia.” And don’t forget, of course, that in 2008 Donald Trump Jr. said “we see a lot of money pouring in from Russia.” Right, Daddy Trump. No financial dealings with Russia. What. Ever.
Tuesday, May 9
Of course, this was the day that Trump fired FBI Director James Comey—or as I like to call it, Ya Done Messed Up A-aron Day—but also, hysterically, this was the day that spokesnut Sarah Huckabee Sanders said it was “time to move on” from this silly Russia investigation because it’s just gone on way too long. Now, I don’t know how much direct communication there is between the top douchebag and his flunkies, but I bet, I really bet, that he thought that after he fired Comey, all of this would go away. What a maroon.
Wednesday, May 10
Shit really started happening on May 10. Not bad for hump day.
First, because of course, Senator and Head Turtle Mitch McConnell rejected calls for a special prosecutor. (Which, suck it, McConnell. You are not the boss of us.)
Also, the Senate Intelligence Committee subpoenaed documents related to Traitorous Bastard Michael Flynn’s Russia connections. To date he has not said he would provide them. I’m pretty sure a Senate subpoena is not optional. But let’s just see how that plays out.
Oh, and. AND. Trump implicated himself once again by telling Russian officials that firing Comey had relieved “great pressure.” The exact quote, with fact-checking by me, is as follows. “I just fired the head of the FBI.” True. “He was crazy, a real nut job.” False. Also, irony. “I faced great pressure because of Russia.” True again. “That’s taken off. I’m not under investigation.” BAHAHAHAHAHAHA … false.
Thursday, May 11
I know we discussed this last time, but it happened within the timeline I’m covering in this post, AND ALSO IT’S FUCKING AMAZING. Trump told Lester Holt that he fired Comey because of the investigation. Lemme quote that at you just one more time. “When I decided to just do it, I said to myself, I said you know, this Russia thing with Trump and Russia is a made up story.” Still, even though it’s been a year in Trump years, just WOW on that one.
That same day, refuting all the bullshit from the White House about how Comey wasn’t respected in the ranks of the FBI, Acting FBI Director Andrew McCabe testified to the Senate Intelligence Committee that he holds Comey “in the absolute highest regard.” Well, hey, they tried, amirite?
Friday, May 12
I’ve only got one thing for this day, but it’s a good one. Just when you believe he can’t be any stupider than he already is, President Dumbass tried to threaten Comey into silence. Did he do this via a deniable private in-person meeting? He did not. Because he’s a fucking moron. Yep. He tweeted it.
https://twitter.com/realDonaldTrump/status/863007411132649473?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw&ref_url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.latimes.com%2Fpolitics%2Fla-na-pol-trump-flynn-comey-russia-timeline-2017-htmlstory.html
Unbefuckinglievable.
Monday, May 15
I guess he took the weekend off to golf, but unfortunately Trump was not eaten by an alligator. We know this because Monday he tweeted more stupid shit. This time it was that he “had the right” to give the Russians classified information. Reminder: this information was SO classified that we don’t even give it to our allies. And this stupid fuck gave it to adversaries. Anyway. Here’s the tweet.
https://twitter.com/realDonaldTrump/status/864436162567471104
What. A fucking. dumbass.
Tuesday, May 16
The Washington Post (I love you, WaPo) reported that in February, Trump asked Comey to drop the probe into former national security adviser Flynn. (How did he think that would play out? He’d fire Flynn, the FBI would go away, and he could hire Flynn back?? Actually … yeah. I’m pretty sure that’s how he thought it would work.) Anyway, Comey kept copious notes because … he’s not an idiot? Yeah. Where’s your tape now, you White House-infesting motherfucker?
And you knew Trump was gonna take to Twitter again. (Side note: I’ve read that while he’s watching his Fox morning shows, he locks the door because aides will try to take his phone if he doesn’t.) The irony of this jackass with Twitter diarrhea trying to find the big leakers … I think we found him, dummy.
https://twitter.com/realDonaldTrump/status/864452996129853444
Wednesday, May 17
Saaaayyyy, we haven’t talked about House Speaker Paul Ryan in a while. Let’s check in and see what that Ayn Randian bullshit selling, poor people hating, punchable face wearing asshole is up to. Well, lookee here. The Washington Post reported that a month before Trump got the nom, House Majority Leader Kevin McCarthy said that he thought that Putin was paying Trump. The room erupted in privileged white male asshole chuckles, and McCarthy said, “Swear to God.” Ryan shushed him and then warned everyone there against leaking.
In other news, the New York Times reported that the team led by squicky VP Mike Pence knew Flynn was under investigation before Flynn ever started working at the White House. Well, Pence, you’re not looking so clean now, are ya?
And last but not least, in a deeply satisfying move, Deputy Attorney General Rod Rosenstein appointed former FBI Director Robert Mueller to investigate the Trump campaign’s ties to Russia. This isn’t the FBI investigation, mind. This is a special counsel. And this is the best part: he didn’t inform the White House beforehand. Man, it sure would have been sweet to be listening in when Trump found out.
Thursday, May 18
And of course Trump took to Twitter the next day to express his impotent fury, crying that he was the subject of “the single greatest witch hunt” blah blah. You stupid burnt steak eating motherfucker. Never mind all the presidents who were, you know, assassinated. Your whiny bitch ass hasn’t even had to endure 1/100th of what Hillary Clinton OR President Obama did.
https://twitter.com/realDonaldTrump/status/865173176854204416
Next, in a surprising moment of veracity, Senator Lindsey Graham said that the investigation may be criminal rather than simply a counterintelligence investigation. Which, duh, but still. Interesting that he’d admit it.
In other Congressional news, Representative Jason Chaffetz, head of the House Oversight Committee, announced that he will resign as of June 30. Now, look. This ladder-climbing dickhead held emergency hearings for five days and issued 10 goddamn subpoenas over Hillary Clinton’s emails, a thing which came to pretty much nothing despite the millions of taxpayer dollars spent on it, and yet, he has dragged his feet over anything to do with this #TrumpRussia bullshit. My guess is he’s probably in on it in some way, OR he may just want to get out before it explodes all over his nice suit. If that’s the case he might want to move up the date, because I think June 30 could be pushing it.
So remember that we don’t have an FBI director? Word is that Trump wants Joe Lieberman for the position. Why? They get along. The thing is, the FBI director and the president of the United States really aren’t supposed to be buddy-buddy. Also, this is a 10-year appointment. At 75, Lieberman is a bit long in the tooth for it. He also is not a fan of civil liberties and loves the idea of throwing people in jail for just however long he wants for any charges or, you know, no charges.
Wow, Thursday was a long day in the news. We are not even done yet. This shit is exhausting. Annnnyway, surprising no one, Trump denied asking Comey to back off the Flynn investigation. I’m sure he’ll come out with the tapes backing that up any day now.
Speaking of Comey, the Washington Post reported that he prepared extensively for his discussions with Trump because he knew Trump would try to take the conversation to inappropriate places. So he spent time brainstorming how to handle inappropriate questions, practicing, and taking extensive notes in his car right after conversations. That’s the kind of shit you do when you have an incompetent barracuda for a bo—OH MY GOD THAT’S RIGHT. #Archer #TeamPam
Friday, May 19
Home stretch here, y’all. Stay with me. We’re bringing it in. But I’m not gonna lie; this is a long one. If you want to go grab a glass of wine or a fifth of bourbon, I’ll wait. Back? Good. Let’s do this thing.
Let’s kick this off with a presidential tweet. Maybe the most presidential tweet ever.
https://twitter.com/realDonaldTrump/status/865573793531478017
Great. Now we have rich, demented Elmo for a president. Seriously, reread that now, only hear Elmo’s voice in your head. Tell me I’m wrong.
Next up, it looks like Trump will have company because he’s not the only one (probably) being investigated. The investigation has identified a White House official as a “person of interest.” Rumor has it the name rhymes with Lared Bushner. You know he probably has been saying “shitshitshitshitshitshitshit” with every exhale for the past 24 hours. Or at least, I hope so.
But the White House is not sitting idle. No, they are trying to figure out ways to render the special counsel, led by Mueller, toothless. Somehow I don’t think they will succeed.
Because this investigation just got realer. Not only are they investigating the Trump/Russia connection, they now will also be investigating cover-ups of that connection. This pleases me. It pleases me greatly.
I think Flynn’s role in this is going to come out as more significant than we even suspect right now. CNN reported that Russian officials bragged during the campaign that they could use Flynn to influence Trump.
Aaaanddd finally, Friday, May 19, White House staff were photographed on one of the Eisenhower building balconies with red Solo cups. Because of course you party when the worst boss you’ve ever had leaves town. I ain’t even mad.
Can You Believe This Shit?
I mean, we have to believe it. We have no choice. It’s reality. But it’s also insane. I am about out of evens to can’t. What about you guys?
