Trump is going down.
Or at least, I want him to. Him and every other Republican shitstain that was involved in selling our national soul to Vladimir Putin. Sometimes when you want a thing very, very badly, it’s hard to be reasonable about it. And I want the current administration to go down in flames more than I want a self-cleaning house. More than I want a puppy. More than I want to eat all the things without consequences.
So you can see that I think that burning it all down is the way to go really despise these assholes might not be completely objective here. And although I’m a writer, I’m no journalist, investigative or otherwise. Mostly I’m a foul-mouthed concerned citizen who is OBSESSED with her Twitter feed and all things #TrumpRussia since Trump fired FBI Director James Comey. I know it’s not just me, though. I know you’re all right there with me, wanting to believe, but afraid to be disappointed. So I’m just going to lay out the events leading up to and including May 9th and its immediate aftermath as best I can, and then we’ll see what we all think, shall we?
Phase 1: Our President Is a Colossal Douche
Here’s a general timeline of his pre-firing-Comey fuckery. (Yes, I know he’s been a douche for seven decades but I’m trying to keep this post focused and readable in one sitting.)
October 31, 2016 – Trump Loves James Comey
Then-FBI Director James Comey stated, two weeks before the election, that the FBI was reopening the investigation into Hillary Clinton’s emails. Which, sigh. Anyway, here’s what rich douchebag Trump had to say about that: “It took a lot of guts. I really disagreed with him. I was not his fan. But I’ll tell you what, what he did, he brought back his reputation. He’s got to hang tough, because there’s a lot of people who want him to do the wrong thing. What he did was the right thing.” (At this point I was like “Oh fuck both these assholes although of course fuck Trump more.”)
November 6, 2016 – Wait, No He Doesn’t
Comey said “nothing to see here” regarding the Clinton emails. Trump did not like that, of course, and claimed that Clinton was guilty, the FBI knew it, blah blah blah. It goes without saying that a bunch of idiots believed him, but I’ll say it anyway. So the bloom was off the rose at that point.
January 22, 2017 – Buddies Again!
Two days after the worst president in American history was sworn in, he greeted Comey at a dinner thing with a handshake and pat on the back and some dumbass jovial remark. While a case could be made that any touch by Trump is a bad touch, I believe that at that moment he intended to convey public acceptance. So that was fabulous.
January 25, 2017 – AG Yates Warns WH About Flynn
Three days after that, acting Attorney General Sally Yates warned the White House that General Mike Flynn, head of the Defense Intelligence Agency, had lied about his contacts with the Russians—y’all I am not even going to TRY to keep track of everyone who is suspected of bumping uglies with the Russians in this post because that’s a whole nother deal—and was therefore subject to blackmail. Pretty reasonable thing to posit, I’d say. Note: President Obama had actually warned Trump against hiring Flynn in the first place, but supposedly our stupidest fucking president ever thought he was joking BECAUSE HAHA HILARIOUS I guess.
January 26, 2017 – Trump Asks Comey to Kiss His Pinky Ring
So, at a dinner that couldn’t have been in any way comfortable, Trump asked Comey for loyalty because apparently he really does think he’s some kind of mafia don. Comey said no, because something-something “honesty” and some crazy idea about serving the American people and not the president. And then Trump asked for “loyal honesty” (or “honest loyalty,” I can’t remember which and I’m too tired to go look it up). And Comey said “You really are a crazy fuck, you know that?” Not really. Apparently he said something like “Um … sure.” But I imagine he was feeling pretty awkward.
January 30, 2017 – Worst Fucking President Ever Fires Acting AG Sally Yates
That morning, Yates had acted in accordance with her obligation to support the law by refusing to enforce Trump’s Muslim ban. (Oh and also she was investigating connections between the Trump campaign and Russia.) So later that day, President Dickweed fired her. Yeah, that didn’t come back to haunt him or anything. Dumbass.
February 8, 2017 – KKK Grand Wizard Confirmed as Attorney General
Okay, FINE. Granny Clampett impersonator, senator, and noted racist Jefferson Beauregard Sessions III (swear to fucking god I did not make that up; it’s his real name because of course it is) might not actually be in the KKK, but he’s joked that he thought they were okay until he learned they smoked the ganja (again, I am not making this up) and plus he apparently liked to throw around the n-word. Did I mention that he’s a noted racist? I mean, in 1986 Coretta Scott King wrote a letter to try to keep him from being appointed a federal judge. It totally worked! That time, anyway. (Sorry, Elizabeth Warren. And the person I see in the mirror every morning. And the rest of humanity. Regrets all around, actually.)
So anyways. Sessions. Racist. Attorney General. Not obviously directly tied to Comey at this juncture, but let’s just put a pin in that for now.
March 2, 2017 – Sessions Recuses Himself from Russia Investigation
Sorry. I couldn’t think of a funny header. This shit is wearing me down. But I’m in it for the long haul just like you and for the same reason: we have no choice. Anyway. In the spirit of Trump’s pre-election “disavowal” of white supremacists (“I disavow, okay?”), Sessions recused himself from any investigation into Russian interference with the election and Trump campaign. Why? Well, because he lied to Senator Al Franken during his confirmation hearing. When Franken asked him if he’d had contact with Russian officials during the campaign, he said no. Later he said there was no intent to mislead, though I’m not sure which word he had problems understanding. Was it “met”? Was it “Russian”? Was it “officials”? No idea. But since he met with Russian ambassador Sergey Kislyak twice during the campaign, either Sessions needs remedial English lessons or he lied.
Phase 2: Shit Gets Real
Oh yeah. Now we have stuff starting to heat up. It’s hard to see from the outside sometimes, but that’s kind of the nature of intelligence work. And I’m just hitting the highlights here, largely because I’m tired. Have I mentioned that I’m tired? It’s super late.
February 13, 2017 – Buh-Bye, Flynn
I know this happened during the events of the above section, but it feels like it belongs in the Shit Gets Real section of this post. A full 18 days after Yates informed the White House that Flynn was a huge security risk, the public got wind of that shit. Then, and only then, did Trump fire him. Why? Well, according to an interview with Lester Holt yesterday, it “didn’t sound like an emergency.” To which I’m just gonna say: woooowwwww. Also, maybe the REAL reason has a little more to do with the fact that the Washington Post found out about the warnings. (Note: In case you’re wondering, Flynn did indeed commit a crime when he took money from a foreign agency without permission, and as a retired general, he absolutely knew what he was doing.)
March 19, 2017 – Comey Revival Tent and Fireworks Sale
Oh. Em. Gee. Up to this point, I think some of us on the left had been worried that Comey really was secretly Trump’s guy because of the Clinton thing (and you still got some ‘splainin’ to do on that, Lucy). But then he dropped this bomb when testifying before the House Intelligence Committee: “I’ve been authorized by the Department of Justice to confirm that the FBI, as part of our counterintelligence mission, is investigating the Russian government’s efforts to interfere in the 2016 presidential election. That includes investigating the nature of any links between individuals associated with the Trump campaign and the Russian government, and whether there was any coordination between the campaign and Russia’s efforts.” MONEY SHOT!! MAKE IT RAIN! AND OTHER SLIGHTLY AWKWARD METAPHORS!
Comey also clarified that there was no evidence that Obama had ordered a wiretap on Trump and that indeed a president cannot just decide to do that. They don’t have that power.
But the frosting on the cake was when Rep. Jim Hines read a tweet of Trump’s that he tweeted during the testimony that was, as are most of his tweets, patently false. In part it read “the NSA and FBI tell Congress that Russia did not influence the electoral process.” Comey tried to avoid calling the president a liar, but, well, he pretty much called him a liar.
I’m so glad I watched that live. Never have I been so entertained by bureaucracy.
May 8, 2017 – Yates and Clapper Don’t Surprise Us Much
Or at least, I wasn’t surprised by anything that happened during the Senate subcommittee testimony of Yates and former Director of National Intelligence James Clapper. Mostly what we (re) learned is that lots of people were concerned about Flynn. Not Trump, though. We also learned that White House counsel Don McGahn strangely doesn’t understand why one official lying to another is a big deal. AND we learned that Senate Republicans still care WAY more about unmasking, leaks, the fact that Yates actually did her job when she refused to sign on that Muslim ban, and the goddamn motherfucking there-really-is-no-THERE-there Clinton emails than they do about, oh, NATIONAL GODDAMN SECURITY AND RUSSIAN INTERFERENCE IN OUR ELECTION. I really despise those fuckers. Sigh.
But the big takeaway was that Sally Yates is a motherfucking genuine badass national treasure.
Phase 3: The Stupid, It Burns
I don’t know how else to put it. The firing of Comey was profoundly, mind-bogglingly stupid. Did he really think he was going to stop this train? Because he was never going to stop this train. Let’s talk about the firing and how the White House handled it.
May 9, 2017 – Fired by a Chickenshit
First of all, the WAY Trump fired Comey was cowardly, craven, contemptible. He wrote a goddamn letter. Which he had his bodyguard deliver. To Comey’s office while he was away. (Why? Well, now it’s looking like they wanted to access Comey’s computer illegally so they could pass on information to the Russians. But we’ll come back to that in the next post.) And you probably know by now that Comey found out that he’d been fired because he saw the news break on TV. He laughed, thinking it was a joke, but then staffers pulled him aside and told him it wasn’t a joke.
Now, Comey knew he’d be fired. He’s not an idiot. When El Cheeto gives you the chance to kiss his feet—you guys will never know what it cost me to not use a much more vulgar metaphor—and you respectfully decline, you are not long for his world. Especially if you’ve refused to back up his bullshit lie about President Obama wiretapping you. Sigh. Anyway, the firing wasn’t a surprise to Comey, but the fact that Trump did it in classic passive-aggressive mean girl fashion was.
And can we talk about the letter? Jeebus crispies, this is some transparent bullshit. “While I greatly appreciate you informing me, on three separate occasions, that I am not under investigation …” Look, if you believe that shit on any level—if you cannot see through such a transparent, wannabe-Jedi mindgame—do not ever have children because even the transparent lie of a three-year-old who has eaten all the cookies as evidenced by a face full of Oreo crumbs will be too much for you to handle. That right there is the lyingest lie in Lie City. Anyway. Onward.
May 9, 2017 – No Comment. Yes Comment.
Initially, the word was that the White House would not comment any further than Trump’s words. Then they changed their minds, apparently. And thus, glory. BEHOLD.
May 9 – 10, 2017 – 31 Flavors of Bullshit
Lo, the doors of the White House opened, and the shiny spokesbeetles skittered out onto the lawn. Matron Barbie Kellyanne Conway and Marie Osmond Impersonator Sarah Huckabee Sanders flew to the cameras to tell us all that concerns with Comey’s performance came from the Justice Department, specifically Deputy Attorney General Rod Rosenstein (and it’s true that Rosenstein wrote a letter critical of Comey’s handling of the Clinton email issue), on Tuesday, and that Trump acted on those concerns immediately. And Spicey? Spicey hid in the bushes and refused to come out until the mean journalists turned off the lights. Word is he might have been molting. No one really knows.
That is some of the crazy, but it is not all of the crazy. According to a May 10 article from the Washington Post, on Monday (the day before the firing), Trump told a bunch of his flunkies that he was ready to fire Comey (have y’all noticed that golf weekends don’t seem to calm our president down because I have noticed that golf weekends don’t seem to calm him down). But first, he wanted to talk to Sessions and Rosenstein so they could make up a reason. They complied, and he got his letter. But after the emerging bullshit from the White House cast Rosenstein as the main driver for this stupidity, he threatened to resign.
May 11, 2017 – Trump Outs Himself as Literally too Stupid to Exist
The day started off with Sanders going on some news show and making up some bullshit thing to try to keep up with the rapid-fire narratives coming out of the … everywhere. Whatever. We don’t care about you anymore, Marie. The big story is this: our stupid president, in an interview with Lester Holt, unceremoniously dumped the admittedly shredded narrative that all his keepers had been trying so hard to keep together when he said this: “I was going to fire Comey—my decision … I was going to fire Comey … Oh I was gonna fire regardless of recommendation.” Um, what? And then this, for good measure: “Regardless of recommendation I was going to fire Comey knowing there was no good time to do it.” AND THEN THIS: “And in fact when I decided to just do it, I said to myself, I said you know, this Russia thing with Trump and Russia is a made up story.” Yep. He said he fired Comey because he, Trump, was being investigated by the FBI.
Yeah, this fucker is going down, don’t you think? Because that’s the money shot right there.
In the next few days I’ll have a roundup of the most relevant, painful, maddening, oh-no-they-dint stuff that’s happened since then, but there’s so much I just couldn’t fit it in here and still expect anyone to read this thing in one sitting. You’ll love it, though. Promise. And it might have a few surprises that you don’t know about (unless you, like me, are following this stuff obsessively on Twitter).
Before We Go
I’d just like to leave you with one reminder, because this should never be forgotten. On May 9, 2017, the press secretary for the President of the United States of America hid in the White House bushes like a little kid who’s afraid he’s going to be in trouble. Hid. In. The. Bushes.
#resist
